Burn After Reading

Dear you

I have taught my heart many things in this life: to be still, to heal and to let go. What I have failed to do is teach it how to love. Here I am, standing on the verge of fear and uncertainty, looking at you and hearing echoes of a future, and it is my heart that finds itself at a loss. I learned pain and losing too young, love had not been familiar then, and so I clung to the pain because it was always there. When I met you, I wasn’t looking for anything other than a way to prolong the numbness my heart had become accustomed to. Even in our chats, I communicated detachment and told you with every word not to stay. Truth is, I was afraid you would refuse if I asked you to stay. I want you to stay. 

I don’t know how to make room in my heart for happiness, but I want to learn, with you. I don’t want these walls anymore, I don’t want to hear your voice and feel my heart shattering. I hear screams in my heart every time happiness attempts coming my way, I want to put my hands over the ears of my heart so this sound won’t be familiar anymore. You touched my body and reached for my soul, and I have been trying to find a way back ever since. A way back out of you, but I seem to be home. I seem to miss you when I least expect it, and it gets overwhelming. I get lost in thoughts of you and it feels like a betrayal to my walls. 

I don’t know whether to ask my heart to trust me again, we’ve been down this road before, I have the scars to prove it. I’m afraid of making it go down a path it won’t be able to come back from, forgive my lack of faith. I’ve been limping on broken promises since love and I crossed paths, forgive me for not believing that this time will be different. 

But just this once, I am teaching my heart a new vocabulary, one frequented by love and trust, and I hope I won’t find no one waiting on the other end. Please be on the other end.

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