Almost forgot that it’s my blog’s birthday month, and its’ turning a year old seems to have brought out some nostalgic feelings, punctuated by moments of clarity, to my neglectful heart. I hope I do right by my 1 year old baby in being more consistent this time around.
The theme of unlearning silence that has been plaguing me is what pushed me to start sharing my writings in the first place. I found that there are stories inside of me I was afraid to tell out of fear, fear of exposing myself, and also that I might be unfair to the people in my stories, but Audre Lorde proved to be my savior in this regard. In one of her talks, on “The transformation of silence into language and action” she reiterated to me the importance not allowing silence to have the final say:
“I HAVE COME to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That the
speaking profits me, beyond any other effect…
In becoming forcibly and essentially aware of my mortality, and of what I wished and wanted for my life, however short it might be, priorities and omissions became strongly etched in a merciless light, and what I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, is the final silence. And that might be coming quickly, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silences, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else’s words.”
I wanted to tell my stories, fear be damned, because, more often than not I have found that sometimes the fear of what will happen is greater than what actually happens when one dares to open up. Usually, you find that you are not the only one going through something or feeling a certain way about it. That is the power of words, those intersecting moments that come from sharing your story, that will never cease to have an awe inspiring effect on me. And it is for this reason, this need to lay my silences to rest that I started this blog, and why I am challenging myself to take it more seriously.
Here’s to hoping February will be a month of rebirth for me.