These are rain clouds that I captured on one of my afternoon walks through the forest at home. The beauty of this place is breathtaking. I am often tempted to leave the world behind and allow myself to be lost in this place, never to be found again.
Yeah, that’s me, like I always say: I am constantly torn between wanting to live out loud, and wanting to disappear. Creating, in a way, allows me to do both. I write a lot of fiction and poetry. This allows me to live out loud in my characters, while hiding myself behind every single line, every word and every rhyme. It’s always tempting to live like this. It’s always tempting getting lost in everything you are not, and feeling like you belong. It is in my disappearance that my characters get to live out loud
I am a loner at heart, I often say that my independence is both a blessing and a curse.
I am self-sufficient to a fault, and I don’t know how not to be. I don’t know how to need people, how to allow them to see the best parts of me. I am forever compartmentalizing, letting people see only what I can handle having them know about me. I give myself out in rations, never fully, never all at once. Oftentimes I am playing a role. I am unfortunate enough to be able to read people well. No, I’m not a shy, reserved person, I’m just busy analyzing all the currents at play in whatever situation I find myself in. So I read people and then proceed to play a part (this is both fun and frustrating) for my audience. I enjoy this as much as I detest it. It’s a defense mechanism as much as it is something I do for kicks. Work with me here, I am forever two opposite things at once. I am forever doing things that I love and hate at the same time, I am both happy and sad, hopelessly in love and unaffected.
Back to the clouds: I have this new found obsession with clouds, rain clouds to be exact. I am fascinated by how graciously they handle all that darkness within them. How they understand that even though their darkness disrupts the light, it doesn’t destroy it.
For the longest time, I suppressed my darkness, like a good christian girl I only concentrated on my light, on the parts of me that were acceptable, parts that i could live out loud, and completely ignored all that darkness within. At times I was so afraid that, if I let it out, that darkness would swallow me and there’d be nothing left for the spectators. Living out loud was my only form of survival, but, I was incomplete. I could feel that parts of me were missing, and I was lost when I discovered that those parts were not to be found in church. There was no place for them in good christian spaces, so I threw them out, I let go of the parts of me that could not be prayed away, or devoted away, the parts that are only read in whispers. The parts that didn’t make it onto the pulpit except when used to shame me, I let them go.
There is nothing romantic about missing yourself, about waking up to so much emptiness within, such heaviness that grips you when least expected, leaving you emptier than you were before. You find yourself lost in everything that they say you are, and so lonely in the midst of company. All that darkness I’d been running away from seemed to find me all at once, and I couldn’t go on surrounding myself with people. I couldn’t go on holding everyone hostage with the same old thing. I couldn’t just get over it, and I couldn’t talk about it all the time, and I couldn’t hold back people who seemed to be moving forward, with my pain. So I disappeared into myself (this makes sense in my head).
This is how I found God, He was here all along, but I was too blinded by my light to see Him. I was too busy being as christian as I could possibly be. I would squeeze every bit of myself out if possible, to attain this christlike-ness that seemed to take everything out of me. I found God in the midst of my darkness, He didn’t pull me out, He held my hand and stayed with me through all the lonely nights. He held me at my worst, and allowed me to cry, without needing a valid reason, or any reason at all. There was nothing about my darkness that dimmed his light, the same way the sun keeps shinning behind the rain clouds. I found home for the worst parts of myself, I found everything about me that I had been running away from, in Him. My darkness was safe in Him. He allowed me to shine, on my own terms, and not as a prerequisite. He understood those moments when I needed to escape from everything, He understood my need for silence, for peace, to quiet all the storms raging within. He understood every storm, and that sometimes I have to let it all out, destroying everything in my wake.
That is the harmony between the sun and the rain clouds that fascinates me. Watching this fascination has taught me balance, it has taught me that the presence of one takes nothing away from the other. The sun has no place where it goes to hide during the storm, it’s there, behind the clouds, watching it all unfold.
My light does not die at the sight of my darkness.